+_kyla04…+

If you haven’t noticed, most of my blog posts are out of depression. That’s because I usually express myself more clearly in writing, and I’m usually depressed. Well what do you know? This post is going to be different.

Someone advised me to love myself so that I could move on. Yes, I may be vain when it comes to taking pictures, but I may not love myself as I should. A lot of people before this someone had already advised me to go on but I wouldn’t listen.

One week after that, I got to know someone I didn’t expect would have a great impact on me. He was the help I needed to carry out the advice I got. His overflowing self-love leaks into my empty being and fills me with much optimism that I started to learn to love myself, too. We’re opposite when it comes to how we view life (or actually, on so many other things), but that’s the reason why we get along well. He’s care-free and doesn’t think about his problems too much. I, on the other side, take life under pressure and think too much that I oftentimes hurt myself. Hanging out with him, I get to suppress my depression and look on the bright side of things. Hanging out with me, he starts to be sensitive about how others feel, especially his mom.

It’s a good feeling when you change someone for the better. Now, I know too that it’s an equally good feeling to be the one changed for the better by someone.

He’s not my boyfriend (for many people wouldn’t believe that he’s just a friend). And that’s just a good thing. I used to have my happiness depend on somebody else. Too bad that is an arbitrary source of happiness so one cannot depend on it too much (although I always did). He affected my life in a way that I need not worry of losing my means to be happy. He helped me see myself as the reason why I should not be sulking. Now I’m starting to feel the real happiness—that which I feel from loving myself. It’s all because of you, Gelo. Thank you, my super cool friend!

Of course, thank you to all my other friends, too, who helped me in their own little ways even though I was plainly stubborn…

At last, I got a life!!!

He floats around the abyss of blinding brightness
Dazzling me with his sparkly, white, sarcastic smile
His stare melts me but molds my only happiness
Ay! Only his love is a wait that is worth every mile

He may not seem to notice, or I may be too keen
He does not know how happy and hard all is for me
Only he has the most perfect beauty I have ever seen
Yet he is just way too good for he and I to ever be

He is the only good reason for my miserable existence
And he, too, will be responsible for my inevitable end
If I should die to pay for my unwanted persistence
So shall be it, much easier than having wounds to mend

I look at him in front of me with my eyes filled with tears
His eyes feign indifference which silently stabbed my heart
My, his unconcerned expression gives me the worst fears
Like he is going to bite my neck and just suddenly tear me apart…

I love him…
He was real… Human…
Now he’s the vampire in my dreams…

-^.KylaVril_06.^
090108

       I originally planned this post to be just another compilation of my insane remarks about life… Then I attempted to make a more organized and well-supported essay with Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist as reference. But now I’m back to my original plan. I’m not sure if this will be a well-structured essay but I will still refer to the novel since what I originally had in mind were either reinforced or opposed by what I’ve read. I may also refer to his Veronika Decides To Die since some points there are applicable to this "insane" post of mine.

     Fate and destiny. Before, I didn’t really know if they are actually two different things. Some sources say that they are used interchangeably although fate is more of the inevitable outcome, whereas destiny is somewhat affected by man’s own decisions and actions. I believe in destiny. I still want to believe in it until I had to force myself to believe in fate instead. Why? I can shape my destiny, yet what I am doing right now isn’t gonna yield the results I want to have. Why? Because I have to do this and not that. Because this is the "right" thing to do.

     Wait, let’s not go into what "right" is. Not just yet. Going back, I am forcing myself to leave all to fate because though I can control my destiny, it’s not how I want it to be, so I just hope that fate would be so kind to give me the results I want. Got it? Too bad, when I was starting to have this mentality, this passage from The Alchemist shook my already-loose-screwed head: "‘. . . at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what’s happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That’s the world’s greatest lie’" (18). So, I was frustrated on having nothing else to blame for what’s happening with my life. If Coelho is right, then fate is nothing but a scapegoat for people like me; an escape which doesn’t even exist.

     Maybe fate does exist. I’m not sure what I want to believe but I’ve thought about the possibilities: one, fate may not really exist since people always have something–anything–that they do which affects their lives, hence, the outcome will be appropriately referred to as "destiny" in consistency with the definition I mentioned above; second, fate may exist when you think that there really is some point when amidst all the hard work people put into achieving their dreams, some just don’t make it, therefore making the outcome somewhat "uncontrollable" that then suggests fate. If you notice, the latter is the exact one that Coelho claims to be a big, fat lie. I tried to think about it and came up with this: maybe he’s right since the "hard work" that people do, no matter how it was intended to yield the "good" results, may actually be the "anything" that, as I said, would affect the future in a way that is not always guaranteed to be in accordance to what is actually expected of it in the first place. We think that sometimes things become "uncontrollable" just because they gave "bad" results. Human nature allows us to blame our own faults on anything else just to avoid shame and responsibility for them. So maybe, just maybe, "fate" is really just an overused and deceptive term for what is actually "destiny."

     Let’s go back to what is "right." In Coelho’s Veronika Decides to Die, there is a passage that talks about "reality": "‘It’s whatever the majority deems it to be. It’s not necessarily the best or the most logical, but it’s the one that supports the desires of society as a whole’" (87). Enough said. Since what I want to do is not of the best interest of others, it is not right, not practical. So I should just conform and forget about my "insanities." Why insanities? Because being "insane" is being different from others, as the novel suggests. And when I stop being insane, I lose the chance of shaping my destiny the way I want it to, and this causes life to be worthless. In short, being insane, or being "yourself" is what you should do to enjoy life, not being what others want you to be. Coelho says that we get bored with our lives because of their repetitive events (every day is just the same). We consider suicide thinking that life won’t have anything thrilling in it. Yet, this is only because we are too scared to get out of our comfort zones and do the things we really want to. We are afraid that we will be rejected (considered "insane") by others just because we stepped out of the "normal" ways with which most people contentedly get their lives through. We content ourselves of non-risky things, and this kills the very purpose of life: struggle to survive. You may say that if there are no risks then why would that be against survival? Well simple: no risk, no survival, since there isn’t actually anything happening that requires the effort to survive, therefore it is technically not surviving but just gliding through life. Aha, am I making no sense here now? Well then, enough of this already…

     Haha, this freakin’ post is getting more and more disorganized. But yeah, at least I had put all these stuff together in a desperate way. These are just the thoughts I got as I saw reality when all I wanted to do is to live with my fantasies. It just so happened that I came upon these novels of Coelho which got me into even more thinking. You better read these books (the only ones I have yet read from this author) and his other novels (which some of them I already have in possession but have not yet read); they really have messages to tell. And if you think I’m crazy, well I’ve always been–those who really know me know this. I love his novels because they are like my jumbled thoughts put into writing through a skilled writer. If you have read up to this part without skipping anything, I thank you deeply for your patience. If you’re too lazy to read this–yes I know–very long post, I don’t care. Those who do something will get something in return (but I’m not saying you really get something good from reading this). Those who don’t will have nothing (oh, actually, you saved precious time) and that’s beyond my concern.

     I’m not really as rude as you now think I am. I’m just serious right now, seriously insane! :))

Works Cited

Coelho, Paulo. The Alchemist. San Francisco: HarperCollins, 1993.

—.Veronika Decides to Die. New York: Harper Perennial, 2001.

PS: At last, I’ve finished writing this very controversial post! This is my blog; these are my thoughts. I don’t care how deluded, biased, unreasonable, illogical, or whatever else you will call them, but they’re mine and I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a pitiful, always-depressed, overanalytic (got this term from someone ;D) girl who doesn’t want to grow up and face LIFE. I’m still working on that, okay? I just have to have an outlet: this post.

BOW.

Vr…

I love him… And I hate him just the same…

I love his stare… I look at his brown eyes and let my thoughts drift away… Far away… To a place where I can hide myself from the world–inside those beautiful eyes–and stay there forever…

I hate when he stares at me… My tears just start streaming down my cheeks knowing that soon I won’t see his real eyes for a long time… But I don’t want to look away… I wouldn’t want to… Ever…

I love his smile… Be it a real one, or, which is more often, a sarcastic one… When he smiles, I can feel myself melting… When I see the wrinkles under his right eye, I can’t hide a soft smile knowing that I’m so close to him whom I deeply love…

I hate that smile… I tend to stare at him to remember his face… So that when I’m gone, I can imagine his face and not forget…

I love his hugs and kisses… The way he comforts me whenever I’m sad, or pretending to be… His sweetness is extreme that I realize more how bitter a person I am… He fills in all the empty spaces of my being… With him I feel complete…

I hate those cursed hugs and kisses… I hate them thinking that soon there will be no more… No real ones… All we can have are exchanged emoticons through messages… And that will be for so long…

I love when we hold hands… I don’t care if his palm gets sweaty… I don’t let go… I just hold it, squeeze it tightly, rub his fingers, feel him, to make sure he’s real; and he is… :’)

I hate when his hand holds mine… He is real… I can hold him now… Just now… But not for long… So I don’t want to waste every single moment I can hold him…

I love his company… He says he’s a boring person–I firmly object! He never is and never was… Even when we were still just friends, I never found him to be such… Maybe because since then I already feel comfortable with him that I didn’t care whether he is actually boring or not… I was happy hanging out with him and playing computer games… And I’m happier now… Now that we’re together as more than friends…

I hate being with him… He’s too funny… He’s really funny and he’s making fun of me… Hmpf… T_T He gets used to teasing me every now and then, and since that’s actually very sweet of him, I just hate him more because I know I’ll miss him and all these things he does…

I love everything about him… And I hate them all the same… But then I tell you: whenever I say "I hate," I really meant to say "I love more…"

-Kyla

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       Waaaaaa… I’m freaking out… Couldn’t focus on my studies right now… Errr… So many other things keep entering my mind… I’m sorry but I have to - post… Can’t think of another way to just blurt it all out… I’m actually ok, I just don’t know why I am worrying too much right now…. Of course except that I have so many things due tomorrow… Post post post… Now I hope I’ll feel better… kyla: "kyla, few more days and you can relax. Right now PLEASE study… ok?"

There goes my sanity… X_X

               Wanna go home this January… Wonder if papa will really let me… =) I can ask that for my early debut gift if needed, haha!!! please oh please…

     Hindi masaya dito kasi ang masaya dito is HS which is di ko na mararanasan… Sa Pinas, mas masaya para sakin ang college… So para bang naiwasan ko pareho ang masaya… Di ako dun nagcollege, at di ako dito naghigh school… Sad…

random thoughts…

I miss:

-the heavy rainy days

-tambay sa AS lobby

-kain ng E-Aji

-inom ng C2

-kain ng chicken fillet sa Mcdo (all-time fave!)

-tambay, tambay, tambay till before curfew hours sa Kalai

-tulog ng 10 p.m.

-Gumising ng 7:30 a.m. at manggising ng isang tao na late lagi sa Philo 1 pag di ko ginising

-kumanta with the HIMIG choir ng UPSCA (UP Student Catholic Action)

-UPSCA

-cell meetings

-Friday Activities

-jamming with kuya TJ, kuya Ron and kuya JM

-UPSCA App log book (na ako ang nagdesign kasi secretary ako ng Apps batch namin named BATCHilog)

-miss ko na ang cheese corn (wala akong makitang powdered cheese dito, kamusta naman un?)

-Babba Shawarma!!! fave kahit na mamumulubi ako!!! either kasama sina Aaron and company, or si Kenn.

-Si best ko: Mona!!!

-paglakwatsa sa SM North at paguubos ng allowance for the week, hehehe

-pagsama kay Mona sa Pandacan

-Hang-a-roo!!!

-pagsusukat namin ni Mona ng damit pag me sale! at picture picture syempre!

-Squid balls!!! my fave kapag may pera, pag wala, fish balls lang… (suka with chili please!!! iniinom pa, haha!!!)

-gitara ko… T_T

-paglalakad ng malayo

-ung mga tindahan na fave ko: Pink Box, Artwork, etc…

-Hen Lin (siomai, da best!!!)

-Tokyo Tokyo (ako kasama ni Mona nung una niyang natry kumain dyan, treat ko, haha!!!) fave: beef misono and potato balls

-MRT

-Gloriettang pinasabog… X_X anyways, at least part of it…

-MOA, dalawang beses lang ata ako nakapunta, di ko pa nalibot…

-papa, tita Beng, pasaway-na-payat-na-ngayon na si Macky, Gio na napakatahimik, Tita Lani and her coconut macaroons!!! Mamang and Papang at mga cousins sa Ilocos!!!

-Upon, Pinili, Ilocos Norte-ang munting brgy. na masayang magexploring!!! Na di ako nakapunta ng mga 2 years ata kahit before umalis papuntang USA…

-sukang Iloko, oh I miss you!!! (sarap inumin!!!) pag gusto ko lagnatin, iinom lang ako ng marami niyan, ok na! ;P although sa sobrang healthy ko talaga mahirap ako lagnatin…

-SCC-ang aking HS… na ngayon daw ay airconed na!!! as in ung mga rooms, daya…

-home-made siomai ng asawa ni Mrs. Montero!!! at ang pinakamasarap na "chili" na gawa niya! panghalo sa toyo’t kalamansi na sawsawan ng siomai!!! ang fave ko ring inumin, as in!!! hahaha!!!

-ung polbo ko… wala ako makita dito…

-Netopia, kahit mahal ang rates, hahaha!!!

-Heartstrings-mga cute na cute na bags!!!

-The Gift Factory-bilihan ng mga cute na stuffed toys, keychains!!! Heaven!!!

-makipag-DOTA kahit laging talo… X_X asar… anyways, nanalo naman ako the first time, bleh vr!!!

-sumakay sa IKOT at TOKI

-magsuot ng puting palda, at light pink na telang sandals habang umuulan at may baha… me okasyon noon kaya kailangan (sabi ko) kahit ganun ang weather.

-naalala ko, ung cute na sandals ko na un, na naiwan ko… ay binili ko sa EGG-ang ultimate paraphernalia store!!! naku, ang cucute!!! lalagyanan ng cellphone, bags, purse, etc!!!

-ung signpen ko - Dong-A, either ung normal 5.0 lang na nasa $20 pataas ang isa or ung retractable na pink ang kulay na refillable pero ung ink black parin syempre… Di ako magsusulat noon kung di ganun ang pen ko… Magwawala pa ko pag nawawala un!!!

-I miss a normal school day…

-I miss being a normal student (kahit na abnormal na tao ako)

-I miss prissy (white cat), ate red buggle (bear na rag doll parang si baby buggle), etc… - stufftoys na naiwan ko sa bahay sa Biñan…

-di ko namimiss ung tubig na may latak, eeeeek!!! hahah!!!

-madalang na week-end hang-out kela Tita Lani and cousins sa Rosario, Pasig City

-Pink na Cream Silk!!! pinakamabangong conditioner!!! gamit ko while I was in UP… Me nakita ako nyan dito, nga lang, maganda na raw ung conditioner ko ngayon, di nga lang siya ung mabango…

-gravy ng McDo!!! My gulay naman, walang gravy ang McDo dito!!! Pati McChicken!!! masarap ang lasa nun eh… fave McDo!!! =)

-paghatid ni vr sakin sa Kalai pagkatapos magDOTA, hek hek! *blush*

-paghatid sakin sa Kalai ng aking mga butihing kuya sa UPSCA matapos ang tambay sa UPSCA tambayan

-lahat ng mabubuting kaibigan ko!!! hahaah!!! you know who you are!!!

     Sha sha, happy day today, magcecelebrate ako magisa ng monthsary… X_X san kaya makapunta??? Barnes and Nobles, tititigan ko na naman kung aling magandang notebook ang bibilihin ko para ________ hahaha, secret!!! =P pag me naalala nalang uli ako, popost me ng continuation, hahaha!!! sinipag ako ngayon eh, hahahaaha!!!

      Kakain ako sa McDo, as usual, hahaah!!! fave!!! Saka, memorable ang Mcdo kasi ;P, alam na un ng mga nakakaalam!!! diba? hahaha!!!

I wish you didn’t leave today

I wish you didn’t have to go away

Now life will never be the same

I keep calling out your name

I’ll miss you… I’ll miss your smile, I’ll miss your voice

I’ll miss you… Now you’re gone, we’ve got no choice

This is the first time I sing to you

Yet this will be the last time, too…

I know you’re better off this way

It’s sad how it all ended up this way

This pain I’m feeling now will stay

If there’s still a way, I want to say

I’m still thinking about you

I hope I could still be beside you

But now life will never be the same

I’ll keep calling out your name…

-for tita Beth… May you rest in peace…

^.kylaVRil06.^ 12/05/07

Note: I made this poem into a song…